I keep wondering why I keep falling into that same trap over and over. Why is it so hard to learn from the countless experiences in the past?

These things I know to be true:

It has always been one drink, two drinks, six drinks for me. This is not going to change.

If I keep drinking, alcohol will, by illness or drunken accident, have a devastating effect on my life. It keeps me absolutely stuck in an array of self-harming habits and squashes any attempt at caring for myself in anything other than optics.

If I keep drinking, I will never forgive myself because of how it has and will take away from my children.

Somehow, in my heart of hearts, I don’t believe that my right to a sober life in which I am safe takes precedence over other peoples’ right to a “fun and happy” me.

My husband has no capacity to support my sobriety as soon as I waver, and I have to accept that. He is not the one to lean on in this endeavor and to keep trying is at this point thinly veiled self-deception at best.

No matter what I may imagine and which glory days of drinks with friends at a beach bonfire my mind may invoke when I relapse: Drinking to me is not about enjoyment, it is about annihilation. It is about telling myself “You are not wanted here, as you are. I can’t even stand to be around you.”

What I don’t know yet is why I would treat myself like this or how to ever heal from it.

What I do know is that this makes me tremendously sad, and my first instinct is to run from that. But then I hear a little voice saying “Well, it IS fucking sad. Let yourself be sad.” and that makes me feel a little bit better.

Today is Day 2 and for that I am grateful.